jokes you gotta love em

[big si]

ONLY READ THESE IF YOU HAVE A GOOD SENCE OF HUMOR SOME OF THESE ARE VERY RISKY. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED THIS IS ONLY A BIT OF FUN SO NO BITCHING










A tough old cowboy told his young grandson that if he wanted to live to a ripe old age, and keep lead in his pencil, he should sprinkle a teaspoon of gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning.
Sure enough the lad does as he is told and when he eventually died at the age or 93 he left behind him 14 children, 18 grand children, 35 great grandchildren and a 15 foot hole in the crematorium wall.....

[big si]

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Budweiser

[big si]

One night, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters."

So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need."

A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So how are you doing with the girls now?"

Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"

[big si]

Three sheep in a field. The first sheep says, "Baaaaaaaaah!". The second sheep then replies, "Baaaaaah!" The third sheep thinks for a bit and then goes "moooooooooooo"

The others look at him in amazement. He just shrugs and says, "I'm learning a second language!"

[big si]

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

[big si]

One day a Pirate went to the pub. The bartender asked him how he got his wooden leg.
"Well, I was tossed overboard and a shark took it," the pirate explained.
"And how about the hook you have for a hand?" the bartender asked.
"Oh that was in a cutlass fight with another Pirate."
"And the eye patch?" followed the bartender.
"Got some sand in it when I tried to bury me treasure".
"You mean to say that you lost your eye just becasue of some silly sand?" asked the bartender amazed.
"Well, it was the first day with me new hook....."

[big si]

A girl walks into a supermarket and buys:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serve frozen dinner

The guy at the checkout checks her out and says "Single, are
you?"

The girl flutters her eyelashes, smiles and replies, "How did
you guess?"

He replies, "Because you're f*ing ugly."

[big si]

Two nuns were driving through Transalvania when a vampire lands on the roof of their car.

The nun who was driving turns to the other and says, "quick, Sister Mary, show him your cross!"

The second nun winds down the window and shouts, "**** off you big toothy git!"

[big si]

A small child is out shopping with his dad one day, when in the madness of the sales, the two become separated. Knowing what to do, as told a thousand times before by his parents, the boy locates a shop assistant for help. "Don't worry, little fella..." the assistant happily reassures the boy, "now, what's daddy like?"
"Well...." the boy thinks for a moment, "necking lager, ****ging mummy and saying "bollocks" a lot."

[big si]

What sort of bee makes milk?

BOOBEES

[big si]

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

[big si]

Big Indian walk's into a chemist asking for toilet roll,bloke behind the counter say's " Andrex Kleenex or no name brand".

Big Indian say's " whats the different's"
Bloke behind the counter say's "well the no name brands the cheapest of the three and that about it"
Big Indian walks away happy with the no name brand toilet roll,a few day's later the Big Indian walks back into the chemist saying he had name for no name brand toilet roll.
Bloke behind the counter say's yeah "what's that then"
Big Indian say's "John Wayne"
Bloke behind the counter say's"funny name to give toilet roll how come"
Big Indian Says " well it' rough and it's tough,and takes no **** from Indians"

[big si]

http://freespace.virgin.net/mark.christopher/fun/Chimp%20on%20Penguins.wmv

try this one

[big si]

What do you call an elephant in a phone box? ----- Stuck

Where do you find a tortoise with no legs? --- Where you left it

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? --- Coz chickens weren't invented yet



How many giraffes can you get in a mini?? -- Four, 2 in the front 2 in the back

How many elephants can you get in a mini? -- None, the giraffes are in it.


What do you get if you cross an Elepahant with a kangaroo? -- Big holes all over Australia

How do you stop your dog barking in the hall? -- Put him outside.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?? --- Because 7 ate 9

What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls? --- Sparky

What gets wetter as it dries?? --- A towel

[big si]

Q: How do you get four elephants in a little blue mini?
A: 2 in the front, 2 in the back.

Q: How can you tell when there is an elephant in the fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.

Q: How an you tell when there are two elephants in the fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.

Q: How can you tell if there are three elephants in the fridge?
A: You can't shut the door.

Q: How can you tell if there are four elephants in the fridge?
A: They left their little blue mini outside



Q: How do elephants climb trees?
A: They sit on an acorn and wait for it yo grow.

Q: How do elephants get down from trees?
A: They sit on a leaf and wait for it to grow

Q: Why do elephants paint their balls red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.

Q: Why do elephants paint the bottoms of their feet yellow?
A: So they can hide upside down in custard.

Q: What is the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A giraffe eating cherries


Q: Why did the monkey fall from the tree?
A: 'Cos it was dead.

[big si]

A Californian housewife decided to start up her own business and opened a private sperm bank.

Over the course of the follwoing months she advertised, collected dozens and dozens of samples and stored them all in her home freezer.

This all worked well, until her husband commented on all the tiny pots of odd tasting ice cream in the freezer. He was not sure if they were Ben or Jerry's!

[big si]

A man waking down the road... slips and falls.. he looks behind him and notices a pile of SH** on the floor that he had sliped on....
A man walks up to him and says... "I did that"...
So he punches him...

[big si]

Two blondes walk into a building..........
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.


Phone answering machine message - "....if you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.


A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".


I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it


Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.


Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."


'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
' Is it common?
"It's not unusual."


A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really really heavy"


Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start!"


Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!


Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
I think its Colin.


Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"


Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.


"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking Fine' which I thought was a nice thing to say.


A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

[big si]

A Dyslexic walks into a bra.

[big si]

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, ''You wanna hear a blonde joke?''
The person replies, ''I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde.
My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde.
And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?''

The man thinks for a while and replies, ''Not if I have to explain it three times.''

[big si]

WHY DOES SNOOP DOGG CARRY AN UMBRELLA?

BECAUSE OF THE DRIZZLE!!!

[big si]

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they
got back the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So
romantic... " Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon
as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language.
Things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter
words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!
"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could
be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so
embarrassed-they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell
your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust,
Wash, Iron, Cook....

"I'll pick you up in ten minutes," said the mother

[big si]

WANTED


A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.



























Now read it again, but this time only read lines 1,3 & 5

[big si]

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends, In addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry".
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"

"I don't like her."

[big si]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his
mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a
little ****ed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He
goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and
he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a
bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my
cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a
week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting
any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway
across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you
going to tell him, or should I?"

[big si]

A blonde woman was standing at the pop machine; she put in her money and pressed the Coke button and out came a can of Coke. She looked at it and smiled. She took out a dollar, put it in the pop machine pressed the 7Up button and out came a can of 7Up. She looked at it and really started smiling. She put in the change from her dollar and pressed the Coke button again, out came another can of Coke. Then she was just beaming!

There was a man standing there watching her, and he finally went up to her and said, "What are you doing?" She looked at him and said, "Duh, I'm winning!"

[big si]

The Fire brigade recive a frantic call from a blond.
"help my house if on fire and I don't know what to do, please come quickly!"
The fireman replies, "How do we get their Miss?"
"Duh in the ****** big red truck!"

[big si]

What's green and goes up and down? - Frog in a lift!

How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? - four - one to change the bulb and three to "share the experience, man"

[big si]

There is a new drugs craze sweeping through the schools in North Yorkshire. Apparently, kids are disolving Extacy tablets in alcohol, and then injecting themselves, via a syrige, just above their teeth.

They call it "e-by-gum"

[big si]

Transcript of air-conversation between New York Air Trafic Control and Boeing 747.......

ATC "Flight B2432, due to the risk of noise polution, please change heading to bearing 320' "

Boeing "Noise polution? We are at 32,000 feet! How can we cause noise polution?"

ATC "Have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737

[big si]

This is an actual job application that a 75 year
old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right
woman (or at least, one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice
President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I
was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock
options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If
that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management
hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible
collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday,Tuesday,
and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but
they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had
one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate
question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR
RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the
Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell
me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - no.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb
sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be
doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND
COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.


SIGN HERE: Sagittarius

[Maxxed_Ross]

:lol: You must have far too much time on your hands, but some of them were really good :lol:

[MarcRitchie]

Q. Whats blue and square

A. An orange in disguise.

-------------------------------

A wife came home one day to find a letter saying the following:

To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with
your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I
value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this fax, I hope that you will
not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with
my 18-year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed I shall be back home before midnight".

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining
room
Table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like
to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this,
I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who like
your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and
with your excellent knowledge of Maths, you will understand that we are
in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes
into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

--------------------------

A woman goes to do her weekly shopping. She fills her cart with items and goes to the cashier. The cashier looks at the items in the cart, mumbles to himself "pork, chips, poptarts, milk...mmhmm!" He stares at the woman. "You must be single!" The woman, quite taken aback by this, stares at the items that he looked at and tries to figure out just how in the world he could figure out that she was single from them. She stares at them for about a minute, then finally asks "OK, I give up. How do you know I'm single?" The cashier looks her in the face and says "Because you're ugly."


I thank you.

[John Lindsay]

an Irish man and English man and a Scots man were on a plane.

A message comes over the tannoy that one engine has failed and that the flight may become uncomfortable.

10 minutes later another message comes over the tannoy saying that another engine has failed and that 2 passengers would have to jump from the plane, with the slight problem that there was only one parachute on board.

Straight away the Irish man gets to his feet and takes the parachute, walks to the door and says "What I Do I Do For My Country" then steps boldly out of the door. The scotsman then gets slowly to his feet, stands at the door, says " What I Do I Do For My Country" and throws the English man out the door.


Whats yellow and very dangerous?? - Shark Infested Custard

Why don't Elephants like penguins?? - They can't get the wrappers off

How do you stop a mole digging in your garden?? - Hide his spade.




John

[John Lindsay]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are ****ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[John Lindsay]

A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around. Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."

[John Lindsay]

Has anyone ever said to you, ''Do you know Jack ****?'' You would if you knew the full story.
See, Jack **** is the only son of Awe **** and Oh ****, the owners of the Kneedeep **** Inn.

Next came twin sons, Deep **** and Dip ****; two daughters, Fulla **** and Giva ****; and another son Bull ****. Deep **** married Lotta **** and they had a son, Chicken ****.

Fulla **** and Giva **** each married one of the Happens brothers. The ****-Happens children are Dawg ****, Byrd **** and Horace ****.

Bull **** just married a spicy Italian number, Pisa ****, and they are waiting for the arrival of Baby ****. Now if someone says ''You don't know Jack ****,'' you can say ''Yes, I do."

[John Lindsay]

One day a blonde went into a department store.
She said to the owner, "Can I buy that T.V.?"

The owner replies, "No, you're a blonde".

Next day the blonde comes into the same shop with black hair and says, "Can I buy that T.V.?"

The shop keeper says "No, you're a blonde."

Next day the blonde comes in with pink hair and says, "Can I buy that T.V.?"

The owner says, "No, you're a blonde."

Then the blonde goes, "How do you know I'm blonde?"

He replies, "Because it's a microwave."

[Maxxed_Ross]

"How do you know I'm blonde?"

He replies, "Because it's a microwave."

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha :lol: Very good

[Alan L]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"Kemo Sabe,
look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me
that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the
Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo ****.

Somebody stole tent!"